RaphLuna Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Cover Done Written the Novel Book Blurb ( Blossom and the Dragon ). Is my grammar and spelling okay ? Is the Blurb Suspenseful. enough ? . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firstdefence Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 I'm not great at English but a few things I can see... I think you are trying to add too many details Describe blossom, her character and how she looks Hint at what is to come but leave the reader wanting more. You are using full stops too much, this make's it hard to read, use comma's instead. Example: Blossom is a happy foal, a curious foal, an out for adventure foal. One such adventure see's Blossom get into a deadly situation and those are not the type of situations to get into. Saved by of all things a Dragon, a sworn enemy of Blossoms kind, but not today, today this Dragon is her saviour. Their journey together begins and what a journey it will be, read on and follow their story. Where will it go, is love around the corner, turn the page to start your journey? William Overington 1 Quote iMac 27" 2019 Somona 14.3.1, iMac 27" Affinity Designer, Photo & Publisher V1 & V2, Adobe, Inkscape, Vectorstyler, Blender, C4D, Sketchup + more... XP-Pen Artist-22E, - iPad Pro 12.9 (Please refrain from licking the screen while using this forum) Affinity Help - Affinity Desktop Tutorials - Feedback - FAQ - most asked questions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfred Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 1 hour ago, firstdefence said: You are using full stops too much, this make's it hard to read, use comma's instead. “You are using full stops too much. This makes it hard to read: use commas instead.” But, yeah. Quote Example: Blossom is a happy foal, a curious foal, an out for adventure foal. One such adventure see's Blossom get into a deadly situation and those are not the type of situations to get into. Saved by of all things a Dragon, a sworn enemy of Blossoms kind, but not today, today this Dragon is her saviour. Their journey together begins and what a journey it will be, read on and follow their story. Where will it go, is love around the corner, turn the page to start your journey? A very nice example, although (once again!) the punctuation needs a little TLC. Speaking of punctuation, I would lose the full stops in the author’s name on the cover page. William Overington 1 Quote Alfred Affinity Designer/Photo/Publisher 2 for Windows • Windows 10 Home/Pro Affinity Designer/Photo/Publisher 2 for iPad • iPadOS 17.4.1 (iPad 7th gen) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Overington Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 3 hours ago, firstdefence said: Example: Blossom is a happy foal, a curious foal, an out for adventure foal. One such adventure see's Blossom get into a deadly situation and those are not the type of situations to get into. Saved by of all things a Dragon, a sworn enemy of Blossoms kind, but not today, today this Dragon is her saviour. Their journey together begins and what a journey it will be, read on and follow their story. Where will it go, is love around the corner, turn the page to start your journey? @RaphLuna @firstdefence @Alfred Would "out for adventure" be better as "out-for-adventure"? Should "see's" be "sees"? Should "to get into" be better as "into which to get"? Should "Blossoms kind be "Blossom's kind"? Should "it will be, read on" be better using a colon instead of a comma, as "it will be: read on"? Should "corner, turn" be better using a colon instead of a comma, as "corner: turn"? That final question mark is after a statement rather than a question. I am unsure what to suggest about that, maybe @Alfred will have a view on this. 1 hour ago, Alfred said: Speaking of punctuation, I would lose the full stops in the author’s name on the cover page. Yes, the best way is only to use full stops in the author's name if using an initial instead of a name. For example, if Laurie A. Garland or L. A. Garland were the style used. Quote Until December 2022, using a Lenovo laptop running Windows 10 in England. From January 2023, using an HP laptop running Windows 11 in England. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmwellborn Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 3 hours ago, firstdefence said: I think you are trying to add too many details Hint at what is to come but leave the reader wanting more. You are using full stops too much, this make's it hard to read. Absolutely. If this is a children's story, there is way, way too much stuff in the "blurb." If I were producing this, which I am not, I would include two different and slightly larger images of Blossom and Amos on the "blurb" page , plus a limited number of words. Something like: "Blossom is a happy and curious little orphaned foal. But when she meets terrible danger on one of her adventures, she is saved by Amos, a very unusual Dragon who can talk. As time goes by they become fast friends, sharing love, sadness, and heartbreak during their adventures together." Less is more with children. Make them want to turn the pages. Alfred 1 Quote 24" iMAC Apple M1 chip, 8-core CPU, 8-core GPU, 16 GB unified memory, 1 TB SSD storage, Ventura 13.6. Photo, Publisher, Designer 1.10.5, and 2.3. MacBook Pro 13" 2020, Apple M1 chip, 16GB unified memory, 256GB SSD storage, Ventura 13.6. Publisher, Photo, Designer 1.10.5, and 2.1.1. iPad Pro 12.9 2020 (4th Gen. IOS 16.6.1); Apple pencil. Wired and bluetooth mice and keyboards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfred Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 13 minutes ago, William Overington said: Would "out for adventure" be better as "out-for-adventure"? Should "see's" be "sees"? Should "to get into" be better as "into which to get"? Should "Blossoms kind be "Blossom's kind"? Yes to all of the above, except that “into which to get” sounds rather stilted. Although some grammatical purists might insist on avoiding the construction “to get into”, I think it reads better here. I agree that the question mark at the end is misplaced, but in any case I would be inclined to go with the alternative blurb posted by @jmwellborn while I was typing this. Quote Alfred Affinity Designer/Photo/Publisher 2 for Windows • Windows 10 Home/Pro Affinity Designer/Photo/Publisher 2 for iPad • iPadOS 17.4.1 (iPad 7th gen) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaphLuna Posted May 28, 2019 Author Share Posted May 28, 2019 Thank you Everyone for your Suggestions and Advice. My Partner Alex Blue Bird and I been working on the cover … Re Written the Blurb Personally Alex Blue Bird Done a New Illustration for the Cover. kept the Yin Yang Art in the Back. What do you think. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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